Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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