it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
