Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
