This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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