the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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