I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
