There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
