That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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