My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
