I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
