I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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