i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
