actually, I'm a sock model
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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