tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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