I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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