if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
