So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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