The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
