you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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