I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
