Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
