I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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