Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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