I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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