He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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