I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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