You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
