Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
