blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
