I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
