i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
