Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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