I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
