im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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