My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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