We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
