if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to make a zoo with you.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
