this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
