considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
