I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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