She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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