My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
