i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
