i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
