mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
