I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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