I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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