so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
