I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
There are leaves in my underwear?
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