I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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